Originally published March 2017

When I was a kid growing up in the ‘90s, one of my favorite action films was The Rock, starring Nicolas Cage and Sean Connery. I thought it was exciting and funny, with quotable one-liners and epic explosions. Having watched it again recently, I'm sorry to say that it's fallen in my standings a bit. It's still entertaining enough, and a wonderful time capsule for ‘90s film and all the suspension of disbelief we must have had back then. Nonetheless, The Rock has definitely lost a lot of the excitement and luster it once had. My fading opinion is due in no small part to the film-making techniques many of us have come to expect from its director, Michael Bay. If you didn't know Michael Bay did that movie, you're not alone. People tend to forget that little detail, usually because they all tend to like The Rock.

This was one of Michael Bay's earlier major motion pictures. So it was well before people knew who he was or the techniques he would regularly use. Years later, after Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, and the Transformer movies, most people knew who Michael Bay was and how he operated, even when he wasn't in the director's seat.

Former apprentice to Jerry Bruckheimer, Bay has established a name and a reputation for himself. Popular belief on the internet is that he's a hack, while the box office ticket sales records suggest that he's doing something right. Bay is practically made of money at this point, and he has gotten here due to his style of movie-making, whether you like it or not. The man knows how to make explosive action films and how to produce films for the lowest common denominator. He hasn't really gone outside his wheelhouse much since he became a successful director, further reinforcing his reputation and style. The furthest he ever went was Pearl Harbor, which still was very Bay.

Some of his movies are delightfully bad. Some are just boring except for the explosions. And some should just be forgotten altogether. The main problem with watching Michael Bay movies is that once you notice his style, it can become difficult to ignore. It can even ruin your experience of the movie unless you have a game to play in the meantime.

Hair of the Dog - Michael Bay Movie Drinking Game

If you see the words "A Michael Bay Film" in the opening credits, grab a drink! You're in for a ride! The following rules can be used in Michael Bay-directed films. His tropes and style are less present in the films he's only produced, but some of the rules might still apply. Take a sip of your drink for:

Explosions

Of course, what would a Michael Bay film be without explosions? In some instances, like Pearl Harbor, you'll have to wait a while for any significant explosions. In movies like Armageddon, it's the first few scenes. Regardless of when they start, have your drink ready, because once they start, they don't stop quickly.

Spinning Camera Shot

This is something you are almost assured to see at least half a dozen times in a Bay film. An actor is standing still, looking at something or doing something that doesn't require much movement, while the camera swivels around them. It doesn't need to be a full 360, it just needs to be a dramatic enough spin to notice the fact that there's a lot of movement on the screen when there isn't much movement from the actor.

Low-angle camera shot

Another peculiar positioning fetish for Bay's cameras is the low-angle shot. Usually around crotch level for the actors, it's a shot he uses a lot to make his actors seems like larger-than-life badasses or to make it seem like the weight of the world is pulling everyone except the character down because of how intense everything is. I think. I'm not sure why he likes this shot so much.

Pandering Patriotism

Michael Bay loves America. Or at least he did in his earlier movies; he might be leaning more towards China these days with his movies since there's a big audience over there. Regardless of which country it is, if you see pandering patriotism in the form of a country's flag "poetically" waving in the wind, or the traditional wholesome values of your country on display, or just someone saying something stupidly patriotic about the situation and why [America] is the best, take a sip.

Stereotypes

I don't know why this is such a thing with his movies or why it continues to happen, but there always seems to be some cartoonish character that is supposed to represent a minority. Usually, it's only for a brief moment, and it's usually meant to be for the sake of humor—it's rarely funny—but they're always in his movies it seems, in one form or another. It could be a sassy black lady. It could be a drunk Russian who hits expensive equipment, played by a Swedish actor. It could be a couple of forgettable transformers that are speaking like they "came from the hood." Regardless, of how it manifests on screen, take a drink whenever you see someone behaving like the caricature of a person that only exists inside the mind of a white person who doesn't know how people behave. If it offends you or makes you physically uncomfortable, finish your drink to feel better about it.

Cheesy Rock Anthem/Overly Dramatic Soundtrack

Usually, there is some song that releases at the same time as Bay's movie and gets some air-time on the radio or in trailers. It will then also likely show up in the movie, and it will be lame (you know which one comes to mind first). When you aren't listening to that, you can instead listen to the dramatic soundtrack that you've heard from so many other Brauchimer/Bay movies—they all sound like Pirates of the Caribbean. If you hear it, take a drink.

Weird Inexplicable Detail About Setting or Premise

The rule's title is more complicated than the actual rule. Just drink anytime something doesn't seem physically possible or makes sense within the context of the movie. Or if there are random furnaces that are still operational on a prison island that has been closed for decades. Or if there is a random mineshaft on the same famous prison island that doesn't belong there. You know, things that don't really belong or make sense.

Yellow Filter

Life in a Bay film usually means either living in the desert or living in a world that has a never-ending sunset because there's usually a golden glow to everything. If you notice it, take a drink. This rule's a tough one because he uses it in excess in the Transformer films and The Island, so be careful.

The President of the United States makes a Speech

Did I mention how Bay loves America? Even if he's pandering to a different country, the US of A still needs to be heroic in some way. And what better way to inspire heroism than to have the "leader of the free world" give a speech? This usually only happens once in the movie, so you can make this a finish-your-drink rule, if so inclined. Keep in mind that the president is more prominent in Pearl Harbor, though.

Shaky Cam

Spinning and shaking cameras to simulate fast action when nothing is actually happening is a common thing for most movies, but Bay can use it till you're vomiting from motion sickness. From the most mundane shots of zooming from one person to another in the same room to the craziest car chases through San Francisco that constantly jump to the actors inside mock cars shouting at the shaking camera to simulate action, the shaky cam is a favorite of Bay and deserves a drink.

Recycled Shots

This one is a little less common, but it does happen. One of the more infamous instances of this is a car wreck he shot for The Island was then filtered and adjusted to be reused in one of his Transformers films. If you're familiar enough with Bay's films to notice, congratulate yourself with a drink.

I don't care much for Michael Bay's movies like I did when I was a teenager who didn't know any better. Even my favorite, The Rock, isn't as fun as I remember, or want to remember. They're dumb movies that are almost offensive in how dumb and successful they are. I'm a fan of dumb, bad movies, but his films can still be a trying experience. If you feel the same, hopefully, these rules will help improve your viewing experience the next time you decide to sit through one of his movies. So grab your water, juice, beer, cocktail, whatever, and drink responsibly. Cheers!

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