Since my review of the Five Nights at Freddy’s film, DagonDogs.com has seen a significant uptick in traffic to the site. I’m appreciative that more people have found it one way or another as I have made no real concerted effort to advertise. With that increase in visibility comes the opportunistic efforts of others who use bots to scam their way into the bank accounts of people who pass by. This is not surprising. In fact, it’s expected. What is surprising is where the bot traffic has congregated and what some of the results have been.

Nearly a decade ago, I watched a few documentaries on HBO and wrote some reviews about them. One of the documentaries was called The Hacker Wars. I don’t think there’s anything about the documentary or the review the bots have latched onto other than the title, but that article is nonetheless the one on the site that has gotten the most attempts at comments. I say “attempts at comments” because I personally have to approve any comments before they appear on the site. I do this for the very reason that I don’t want bots dumping their scams everywhere.

All that being said, there was one pending comment that made me laugh pretty hard when I saw it. Part of it was the overall lack of grammar and sentence structure—not that I’m one to talk. What I was laughing at most, however, was the absurdity of particular details in it. I hesitated on allowing the comment to be visible because I didn’t want people to get scammed, but I also wanted to share its stupidity with the world. So, instead, I’ll post it here with a few edits and context.

I shouldn’t have to say this, but DO NOT attempt to contact anyone with the information in this comment. If you genuinely think that you should after reading it, you should have a loved one handle your finances because you are too gullible to do so yourself.

While I left all the content as it was “written,” I replaced some specific details in the contact info at the end with some Xs just for the sake of being thorough. Regardless, I hope you can see what I find so entertaining about this particular attempt at a comment. The comment has nothing to do with the documentary or my opinion of the documentary itself, as it is entirely focused on recovering lost funds and Bitcoin with the help of the FBI.

First of all, the FBI is known for doing a lot of things, mostly bad. One thing they definitely do not give a crap about doing for anyone is recovering funds or Bitcoin. Not only would that be outside of their jurisdiction, but they would be far more interested in finding ways to put someone in jail. They’re a branch of law enforcement, after all. If memory serves me right, part of that documentary’s viewpoint was on how law enforcement agencies were overstepping their power a lot as the world became more digitally dependent.

Secondly, nothing says FBI like a Gmail address or a Whatsapp phone number that goes to the flipping Netherlands! I’ve been told that these types of obvious errors are intentional to find the people who would so easily be scammed to then trick them again and again. But an FBI Gmail address? I reiterate: if you somehow think this message is genuine, you should not be in charge of your own financial decisions!

I’ve gotten plenty of other bot comments since this one. They’re all attempting to get some naïve schmuck who would somehow find my website and that particular review to give up their personal information. However, none have been as absurd, entertaining, or poorly written. This is the only instance in which the FBI has been mentioned as the method of retrieving your lost funds or cryptocurrency, but I’m holding out for other random comments involving the CIA, NSA, MI-6, and any other government agency with a Gmail address. It would be even better if it was a Hotmail or Yahoo, or something old like a Livejournal account. Maybe, since I’ve invoked the name of the documentary, The Hacker Wars, more bots will comment on this article and provide even more fodder for mockery. A man can dream…

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Okay, actually, there’s more! Everything I’ve written above was set to be published on March 24, 2024. Since I had written this article, I have gotten plenty more comments on the documentary, and none measured up to the absurdity of the comment by scambot, Maria. HOWEVER, I did get a new comment within the past week on my old review of the video game Magicka that I simply must include.

I love the idea of a bot being programmed to find any opportunities in which it could manipulate someone who is having trouble in their love life, and by commenting on a video game review article that happens to be about magic, it changes its strategy to incorporate magic into its comment. Pay no attention to the fact that this comment suggests that “Marty’s” husband is now basically a slave to their magic spell that has been cast. Nothing unethical there since they have “endless care and happiness,” I guess. My apologies for those of you who wanted to do some unethical love magic on someone trying to divorce you as I felt the need to redact the contact information. Maybe there will be more sorcerer suggestions in the comments for the Magicka game reviews. I, personally, cannot wait.

If you have seen any ridiculous bot comments on other sites, please share!