Originally published July, 2015.

Even though I never had the terribly lame TV channel G4 at home, during the era of my life in which I still watched TV, I knew of its premise: "Video Game TV programming for the gamer." Occasionally I would house-sit for my grandmother and I was able to check out the wide array of different television channels I normally wouldn't see, including the infamous channel. Even then, in my most ignorantly opinionated moments at the end of my teen years, I knew the channel was terrible. It was cheap, it was fake, and it had some shitty programming.

I also hated it for the fact that it would try to present itself as a "gaming network" like it was as good as going to an actual game journalism website that had all the information, trailers, and game footage you wanted to see. G4 had the opportunity to set the standard for TV entertainment about gaming by showing footage from tournaments, talking about gaming as an industry, talking about the process of developing games, and talking to their viewers about what it was like to work in the industry. Their so-called "intended audience" would have eaten it up. Instead, they had only two original shows that even mentioned games: Attack of the Show and X-Play. Both of which would show up for a total of 3 hours out of the day between marathons of Cheaters and Cops. Even when each show did come on, neither of which was very informative or entertaining to me.

However, on occasion, G4 would broadcast Japanese game shows. One of which became an immediate obsession of mine: Ninja Warrior.

At the time, I was keenly interested with Japanese culture and would consume anything from Japan that was, at the very least, ridiculous. Ninja Warrior managed to be just that, and apparently garnered enough of a following to make an American version over here. I haven't watched the American version, but from what I've heard, it sounds like they're trying too hard to replicate the Japanese show by acting ridiculous, shouting about nothing, and getting really excited by the smallest of victories and failures.

The fact that the Japanese version did all of this and more is what made it so much fun to watch. The American show sounds like it's attempting to use the same formula for entertainment, but it lacks the culture that made the original so much more interesting. Japan and its culture is filled with people so genuinely excited and dedicated to stuff like Ninja Warrior that when American's try to act the same way, it comes across as fake.

I'm not calling these gents fake, just their enthusiasm

But I'm getting ahead of myself. You might be asking: What is Ninja Warrior? In a nutshell: it's a Japanese game show where contestants try their best to overcome a grueling obstacle course to become the champion. The path to that title of "champion" is no easy feat, however, as there are four different obstacle courses for every tournament, all of which are extremely difficult. So tough is the show, there is no guarantee that any contestant will even reach the Final Stage in each tournament. Needless to say, the contestants must be either extremely crafty, or physically fit in order to succeed. Yet, they do not need to be either in order to compete. All walks of life attempt the Stage 1 obstacle course of Ninja Warrior and often do not progress past it, but it gives us American viewers an extremely entertaining snapshot into the Japanese culture as the various participants give their best shots at the various challenges.

For those who haven't enjoyed the gloriousness that is Ninja Warrior, let's break down the stages.

Stage 1 - A High Standard

Typically the stage with the most obstacles of the widest variety, Stage 1 is usually the most entertaining because, you not only get to see the most physically fit individuals, but the unique stars and strange characters that Japan has to offer. From comedians, to journalists, to men calling themselves Mr. Octopus (a 60+ year-old man who usually brings a live octopus with him), it doesn't matter who you are. If you want to take on the challenge of Stage 1, go for it! If you aren't a Ninja Warrior all-star, you probably won't make it past the first challenge, but it doesn't mean it's not worth rooting for an unlikely victory.

That's the thing with the challenges though, they're all pretty difficult. Maybe one at time, with plenty of time to do them, a person like myself who only exercises every other day after work could do them. But you have to go through all of them in a very short amount of time before you can reach the victory button and move on to the next stage. As the show has progressed, more and more obstacles have been added to this stage to set the already high standard even higher. Since there are far too many obstacles that have been part of this stage to count, I won't mention all of them, but I'll share a few standouts that do a fair amount of eliminating.

Rolling Log

This particular obstacle has seen different variations throughout the show's lifespan. The log may not always be rolling but the concept is always the same: jostle the participant who is hanging on and drop them into the water. Perhaps the most memorable variation is the one where contestants must grab onto the large plastic log's handles and roll with it down a slope. The difficulty of the task is maintaining a grip as the log rolls and gains momentum. Usually only second or third in the list of challenges for Stage 1, this obstacle is responsible for sending a lot of the amateurs home.

Jump Hang

This particular obstacle is a strong eliminator. Even veterans and pros of the tournament are frequently eliminated by this particular challenge. Contestants must jump onto a trampoline and leap onto a rope net that is dangling above the water. If the challenger makes it onto the ladder without touching the water, he or she may choose to climb over the net, or risk crawling under it. Every once in a while, someone takes a risk going under and it doesn't pay off. However, most of the time, people are just unable to leap off the trampoline properly and go head first into the pool.

Warped Wall

This particular challenge is usually the other main obstacle that could be attributed to a challenger's elimination. It's whole purpose is to take up time, Yet, its dastardly nature is only due to its placement in the course.

Since it's toward the end of the course, contestants are usually tired and trying to rush to the end. Due to the fatigue of the participant, it's always difficult for the person to make the run, jump, and pull-up. If it were much earlier in the course, it wouldn't be nearly the threat that it is.

Stage 2 - Battle Upstream

Stage 2 is a much shorter and faster-paced course. Usually, it has only 2/3 the amount of challenges of Stage 1. Make no mistake, though, it is already more intense. While it doesn't have the elimination percentage that Stage 1 has, it's a high stress course.

There's only a few obstacles, but contestants have much less time to complete all of them. Every time I watch Stage 2, I get the impression that they have several extremely tiring challenges with a few simpler easier ones sprinkled in among the rest. Don't get me wrong though, I'd totally fail this stage like the 1st.

Salmon Climb

This is perhaps the most daunting of the challenges that occurs in Stage 2. It's one that didn't make an appearance until well into the series lifespan, but it nonetheless is an incredibly difficult and involved challenge that is surely there to halt the momentum of the contestants and tire them immediately.

Placed as typically the second or third challenge of Stage 2, the Salmon Climb requires players to lift themselves up using a bar. The process, in other words, is that they have to do pull-ups so hard, they actually use their upward momentum to lift their entire body and the bar up about 8 inches up. They must do this to lock the bar in a notch and slowly make their way "upstream." If that description doesn't make sense, just look at the image and see for yourself. There are usually about 6 or so notches in the climb, but I doubt I could even accomplish one.

Later on, they made it even more devious and forced contestants to have to migrate from one set of notches to an entirely separate ladder with the bar.

Spider Walk

This particular challenge had been a part of Stage 2 from early on, and eventually started to become a staple of Stage 1 in later seasons of the show. Nonetheless, it was a strong eliminator in Stage 2 for quite some time.

This challenged required contestants to place their hands and feet on the walls and crawl along a particular path, which usually went up and down. The walls were supposed to be a little shorter than the average man's wingspan so that a person could lift themselves up properly, but there was the occasional participant who was simply too short to do this challenge and lacked the limb length to accomplish it.

Wall Lift

There are three gates at the end of Stage 2 and I'm fairly certain they're a challenge that has always been there. The gates progressively weigh more than the last, and stand in the way between the contestant and the "Stage Clear" buzzer. Usually, by the time the player has gotten to this part in the stage, the clock is at less than 10 seconds left. The gates are purely designed to slow down and tire the contestant in the final moments of the clock, Though it seems like the players don't have too much trouble clearing them, even after being exhausted, it is still a stressful thing to watch.

Stage 3 - Inquisitional Torture

Stage 3 is the slowest progressing of courses because it has no timer. Participants have all the time in the world to complete the course. However, the challenges here are, by far, the most grueling. Focused entirely on using the upper body, challengers must navigate through a course that is designed to tire and weaken its players.

Globe Grasp

It's basically the monkey bars from a school yard, but instead of using bars to make your way across, you can only use these awkwardly shaped little balls to swing across. It doesn't always eliminate the participant, but it certainly weakens them enough for the next challenge.

Cliff-Hanger

This is THE challenge of Ninja Warrior. Ever since they introduced this particular challenge, the success rate plummeted. It's design is almost sadistic in certain respects. Participants must cling to a very narrow ledge (about 4 inches deep), using just their fingers to hang on. Then they have to physically pull themselves along this ledge using just their fingers and upper body strength. This get's worse when the ledge actually breaks up and the contestant has to extend their reach to a separate ledge that is either higher or lower than before.

This challenge is usually toward the end of Stage 3. It completely wears out the participant and makes their arms burn. For the first 20 Ninja Warrior episodes I saw with this challenge, 90% of the people who made it to this challenge fell because of it. Only in the more recent episodes have they updated its design, because it had been effective for so long. Nonetheless, whoever redesigned it is a jerk because, well, look at this.

Pipe Slider

This challenge has changed in subtle ways over time. It doesn't seem like too big a deal in comparison to what the contestants had to go through to get to this one, but that is actually the issue. By the time the participant has made it to this challenge, they are exhausted and probably so full of adrenaline, strategically approaching this challenge may be too much for them.

Simply put, the contestant hangs on to a metal pipe or hoop that slides along a path until it reaches the end of its path, about a yard short of the landing platform. Contestants then have to swing from the pipe to the platform without falling backwards into the mud. The problem with this jump, most of the time, is that the pipe will actually slide backwards with the participant's momentum. So the contestant can't simply rely on swinging back and forth to gain enough momentum to swing across. But, if they do make it past this challenge, they've beaten Stage 3 and and made it to the Final Stage.

Final Stage - Nail-biting

The final challenge of Ninja Warrior has gone through a few changes since its inception, but it is still generally the same idea: Participants have less than a minute to scale a vertical climb to the top of a tower, over 100 feet off the ground. In the earlier episodes, contestants had to hop up the tower, like a purely vertical Spider-Walk. If they couldn't make it to the rope dangling at the half-way point of the tower, the walls would move away from each other and the contestant would fall--the contestant is hooked up to a safety wire, of course.

This was no battle to the death, but I think people still got occasionally injured in the process due to those walls, so they eventually replaced it with a rope ladder. Once the participant reached the top of the walls or rope ladder, he or she had to continue the rest of the climb on 30-foot rope. At the top, the contestant would have to ring the buzzer before time ran out. I think there have been a total of only 3 people so far who have ever hit that button in time.

While I think each contestant is given plenty of time to rest between Stage 3 and this, it is still immensely tiring, for both them and the viewer. It is just so intense. It's a true nail-biter, especially because the chances of success are so slim.

Final Thoughts

If you've never seen the show, or its Female Ninja Warrior counterpart, I highly recommend it to anyone who wants a fun look into the Japanese culture with physical challenges as the looking-glass. I could watch this show over and over and still be thoroughly entertained.

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Ninja Warrior - Watch This!