Before we get to On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, we have to address one of the unofficial entries in the Bond franchise.

Of all the James Bond films, there was one I had never seen until sitting down to start this review blitz. After Sean Connery became the iconic British assassin and helped establish a powerhouse of a film franchise, someone with the rights to the Bond property decided it was a good idea to take the iconic super-spy and make a spoof movie. Before Austin Powers, there was 1967's Casino Royale, based on the first Bond book by Ian Fleming of the same name. This story, as many know, would not be retold until Daniel Craig took on the role. Nonetheless, it was a pivotal story in the character's life. Having finally seen it for myself, all I can say is: What the hell did I just watch?!

Image: MGM / Amazon | I normally like self-aware humor, but this...

I'm not even going to dignify this film with a traditional review or a review by the standards of a WDIJW review. It is not a traditional film by any stretch of the imagination. Instead, I'd rather just share various screenshots of the film and let those do most of the talking.

vlc 2015-08-27 19-13-50-18.png — Image: MGM / Amazon

Far down the rabbit hole...This movie is chaos. It's not pure chaos, because at specific moments it decides to rein in its insanity and try to tell what resembles a story before going back into Wonderland.

You may be wondering what's going on (me too). You also might be wondering what is this doing on the list of Bond films to review.

Image: MGM / Amazon | Who does this remind you of?

Having never seen this movie, I felt obligated to watch it before doing my review blitz so that I could say I've seen all the James Bond films [now] owned by MGM. Eon Productions, founded by Albert R Broccoli, produced the vast majority of the James Bond films we know. Though Albert Broccoli passed away in the ‘90s, his estate has still been involved in the production of James Bond movies. MGM has acquired the video and distribution rights of all these films, and while this Casino Royale was originally released by Columbia Pictures, MGM/Amazon now has the rights to this to go along with the other films.

At the time of this review, I have only read two of Ian Fleming's books. One of which happened to be Casino Royale. In some ways, I'm thankful because it allowed me to keep track of when the plot of the book was finally sneaking its way back into this hot-pot of bad jokes. It goes without saying, but I think the book is represented much better by the Daniel Craig film.

There is supposed to be a plot somewhere in this wild drug trip, but any references to a plot rarely occur. Of the 2 hours 11 minutes running time, the movie spends about 20 total minutes on the actual story from the book. This would be less of a problem if the remainder of the film was actually entertaining to watch. It also wouldn't have hurt this film so much if the other Casino Royale wasn't such a good movie.

Image: MGM / Amazon | How tasteful. pun intended.

The main thing to keep in mind is that this is supposed to be an ensemble-style comedy with numerous actors from the era, including Orson Welles and Woody Allen in minor roles. I knew this going in. I was expecting a Mars Attacks or It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World experience, but I had no idea what I was really in for. Monty Python films have more structure than this thing.

To summarize everything that isn't actually from the 2006 movie—since I'll talk about it then—this movie starts with a momentary scene that tells us nothing, a colorful title sequence, and a car ride. Riding in the car, are the leaders of various security organizations from the superpowers of the time, including M from MI-6. The car ride serves as just a reason to give exposition about James Bond (David Niven) as the unstoppable super spy, as though he were a British Superman.

vlc 2015-08-27 18-57-58-93.png — Image: MGM / Amazon

They arrive at the hero's estate to ask for his assistance in a matter. They can't just call him or order him to report to the office, as he is older and has retired from service—never mind that Casino Royale is supposed to be his first story as a double-0 agent. The next few minutes build up and knock down James Bond as a character. A “Sherlock Holmes attention to detail” is coupled with similar bizarre eccentricities, like a compulsive urge to play Claude Debussy in the afternoon as part of a tea-time ritual—this never comes up again, by the way. He also has a stutter with an inconsistent intensity. By the end of the movie, there was barely a stutter anymore. It was as though the writers just threw darts at a board for details about his character in between their hallucinogen binge sessions because apparently Ian Fleming didn't provide enough.

Image: MGM / Amazon | He took the words out of my mouth and stuffed them into his own

Anyway, they ask for his help. He refuses. They blow up his estate. M is killed in the process, I guess... I'm not sure what happened. Then there is this 20-minute segment where James goes to M's estate, which is inhabited by assassins trying to kill him in a most inefficient manner. A bunch of slapstick situations follow, and James Bond is suddenly the head of MI-6 with very few agents. He then recruits more and assigns everyone in the agency the name and title of "James Bond, 007." Why? That's supposed to confuse the enemy, I guess.

Then we don't see him again for the majority of the film. We spend most of our time with numerous other side characters as we slowly make our way back down to Earth to the original plot of Casino Royale. Speaking of traveling to Earth, here's a scene from the movie with a UFO in London.

Image: MGM / Amazon | 20 minute parking limit in that spot

Seriously, what the hell is up with this movie? It's meant to be a comedy, but I have trouble finding it funny, even with the hypothetical use of drugs, which I'm sure were readily available to the filmmakers. It even has its own Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory riverboat moment.

Image: MGM / Amazon | Not enough drugs for this...

Um...TL;DR?

The images say it better than I can. I can't really review this movie because every 5 minutes there was something else that was happening that was bizarre, unrelated, and stupid. I just didn't get it. Maybe this was hilarious in the UK in the 1960s and there was just no hope for someone like me enjoying it, but good god, this movie sucks.

I realize there wasn't must structure to this particular review like my others, but this movie didn't bother to keep its thoughts straight, so I don't feel obligated to do so either. I leave you with this image that I feel sums up the chaos of the film as well as the rest: Orson Welles surrounded by women waving sparklers and various flags of different countries, while a dove flies towards the screen as he performs magic at a baccarat table.