Universal Drinking Rules - Hair of the Dog
Originally published February, 2015.The following rules we use in every form of entertainment. They are the very foundation of our rule-keeping because, if we can’t come up with anything funny or worth a drink, we can always fall back on these rules. Believe us that once you read them, you may never see your favorite movies or tv shows the same way again:
Primary Rules
1. Lens Flare
There was a time in history when the talented crew who worked together to make a film did their best to avoid ruining well-lit, dramatic, or romantic shots with lens flare. It’s an immediate break in the immersion because it’s simply the reflection of light off the camera lens; nothing says fake, quite like a lens flare. While you may be able to replicate the sensation in your own eyes if you squint hard enough, it doesn't change the fact that you shouldn't fucking see it. Hell, just search “lens flare” in Google and the first thing that appears is this definition:
“Lens flare is the light scattered in lens systems through generally unwanted image formation mechanisms, such as internal reflection and scattering from material inhomogeneities in the lens.”
Nevertheless, some artsy jerk decided that it was “better” to have the lens flare. Now, you have directors like JJ Abrams shooting their lens flare all over the place. In most cases, it’s subtle touch you likely didn’t notice in most films or games, which makes for a good rule when you do see it. But if you’re watching Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull or any JJ Abrams movie, this is the only rule you’ll need.
2. Product Placement
If you've ever watched a Michael Bay movie, or played an EA sports game, you've likely noticed, at least at one point, a familiar logo of a consumer product appears in the background. Frequently, these logos make an appearance in movies and games because deals were made to pay for some of the production costs. Part of why Michael Bay is able to make so many movies with such a heavy investment on special effects and explosions is because he makes transformers out of Mountain Dew vending machines and new Chevy Cameros and shoots everything like a commercial. Regardless, Bay’s films and the Madden games are not alone and it can be fun to look for any logos that may stand out in some way or another and get drunk in the process.
3. Titular Line
Admit it, you perk up a little bit when you hear a character say the name of the movie they’re in, especially if it’s a complicated title (count your blessing that there isn't one in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford as I’m not sure how much you’d have to drink to make up for that). The point is that when you hear characters talk about Inception or the Fellowship of the Ring you shouldn't just get excited, you should get drunk (responsibly).
4. Late Title Card
Movies often do this as a stylistic choice of trying to make things a little more dramatic, as though the movie is so exciting and crazy that it couldn’t even wait for the title sequence to get going. This isn’t to take note of the movies that don’t have opening credits, just movies that don’t show their main logo or title of the movie. Movies like Jurassic Park get a pass where it just shows the park logo. The same with The Dark Knight by Christopher Nolan as the Batman logo appears at the beginning, despite the fact that the words don’t appear until the end credits. We’re talking about instances like Pulp Fiction where an entire scene has transpired with characters interacting and action taking place before the logo and title appears.
Obviously, you’re only going to take one drink for this rule (unless the movie is really obnoxious), so you be the judge on how much you want to drink for this rule. You may want to add on some sub rules like if credits follow or not or just how obnoxious a movie’s late title card can be
5. Wilhelm Scream/Stock Sounds
You've heard the familiar giggle from children playing in commercials. You've certainly heard the Wilhelm scream as someone takes a tumble on screen. You may not have realized that you’ve heard these sounds, but you’ve likely noticed a familiarity to the stock sounds. Movies use these to reduce costs for not having to use special sound teams to capture and edit the sounds. When you hear the scream or cry of a person as they fall to their doom, or something as simple as the crash of broken glass, listen close to see if it’s a stock sound and take a drink accordingly.
Secondary Rules
1. Misc Cliches
Technically, this rule applies to the entire list because, we’ll thats what they are. They’re common creative choices that were made during the production of the film that so many other films have done and have become a cliche as a result. Some choices were made to reduce costs, some out of laziness, and some were to try and set the film apart from the others but only ended up making it similar to the other films from which it tries to differ.
This is a rule meant to mostly fill in the gaps for the rest of the list of other occurrences that may not happen as often as the rest. In all honesty, this will likely become its own list. For now, we recommend you to fill in with your own preferences or simple instances when you notice a common occurrence. Some starting examples include:
a character hangs up the phone without saying good-bye
a phone number is a 555 number
a female character is the object of affection of every male as though they’ve never seen a female before
someone takes the pulse of another and looks back to the onlookers to just shake their head as a sign that the person is gone.
You get the idea.
2. Character is Drinking
Alcoholic characters are common. Why let them have all the fun?
3. "Chrome Bumper"
When you see a nice car with a chrome bumper. Not sure how we came up with this one other than it originated with Back to the Future, but it has since been expanded into other movies as we commonly see the bumpers on cars (especially the old-timey ones) that are super shiny and distracting.
Of course, we are still constantly adding to our list of universal rules and more will certainly be amended in the future.Be sure to check out our specific rules for video games, shows, and movies soon!
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