Friday the 13th (2009) - Review Blitz
Originally published March 2015.I hadn't seen this movie until I decided to do this review blitz. My expectations were rather low considering that most horror movie remakes of the modern era tend to be less than stellar. The main issue I have with modern remakes is the whole point they exist in the first place: the studio wants to reintroduce the movie to a new audience and make a ton of money from the new generation of prospective fans. Actually, this in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, there are some remakes that I think are better than the original, at least in the instances where the remake was made with some creative vision, like John Carpenter’s The Thing, or the 1950s version of House of Wax.
The problem with modern remakes is this desire to reintroduce the movie to a new audience causes filmmakers/studios to create a movie based on the checklist of what made the original successful and try to update it for modern styles and references. The result is often a soulless, derivative movie that has no innovation or creative drive; it just exists to make money off the name of its source. For example: I have yet to see the 2011 remake of The Thing because, from what I've read, it’s the exact same movie as John Carpenter's, except there are no Kurt Russel or practical effects, which are only 2 of a dozen details John Carpenter’s version has over the new one.
So, what then for the horror movie series that is known for following the same formula most of the way through its entirety? Do the failings of modern-remake-syndrome hurt this movie more than help it?
New Line Cinema, Paramount Pictures
YUP! It’s funny that the only movies I had seen the least up to doing this review blitz were probably my least favorite movies on the list. I still dislike Jason Goes to Hell slightly more, but if that movie has anything on the remake of Friday the 13th, it's a soul. Jason Goes to Hell is a shitty movie, but at least it tried to do something different and it was someone's vision, not a hollow movie (money) making machine. Even if all the other movies were following a formula, they were still trying to do something new. I’ll list a single quality from each movie’s attempt to do something new or different:
Friday the 13th (1980) - The killer is someone unsuspecting
Part 2 - A new killer replaces the first
Part 3 - Jason gets a new iconic look
Part 4 - Jason supposedly dies at the hands of his possible replacement
Part 5 - This movie is weird
Part 6 - Jason is resurrected and a Zombie, so we have a zombie serial killer
Part 7 - Psychic powers and stuff
Part 8 - Boat rides and Brooklyn
Goes to Hell - Jason’s a parasite
Jason X - IN SPACE!
Freddy vs Jason - Crossover Fun
The remake has nothing to make it stand out from the rest other than the fact that it’s probably the loudest movie of the bunch. Using the common scare tactic of modern horror movies, loud noises are constantly blasted at the audience to elicit jumps, even though that isn't scary or interesting. This soulless drek isn’t interested in scaring anyone, it just wants to put people in the seats and make them jump. I jumped a few times simply because my speakers were turned up and the bass blasted through the room, except I didn't feel any rush of adrenaline when I jumped as I would in a fight-or-flight response, and I knew when the jumps were coming beforehand. The movie is trying so hard to be scary, but it doesn’t have a clue about how to actually make its audience scared, just irritated and uncomfortable for the wrong reasons. Constantly blasting bass sounds doesn't make me nervous, it just pisses me off.
New Line Cinema, Paramount Pictures
But enough of my complaining, I’ll just briefly talk about what actually happens in the film. The movie opens with a recreation of the climactic scene of the original film where the last survivor, Alice, cuts off Mrs. Voorhees’ head. The child Jason, who is dead according to Mrs. Voorhees, happens upon her corpse and we hear some voice-over about how his mom wants him to punish everyone. Then it jumps ahead to the modern day of 2009. So we’re to assume that the canon of this film is that the original movie and its events already took place. In some respects, this makes more sense in terms of the passage of time in chronicling the events of Parts 1 and 2 in the original films. Alice and Mrs. Voorhees have clothes and hair that would indicate the 80s, and now we’re jumping ahead 30 years where a child Jason would have grown up into the monstrous brute, so good job there, I guess.
We are then introduced to the first group of fodder for Jason, all of whom are dislikable douchebags who then proceed to bang each other, look for weed, and overstep their boundaries. We briefly see some gross-looking fake boobs, the nerdy fool finds bushes of marijuana, some product placement is used in dialogue as the characters spout it at the campfire, Jason kills them all, and then we finally get the pretentious late title card before cutting ahead to 6 weeks later. Before moving on, I’ll mention that these opening scenes indicate that this movie is technically a remake of Friday the 13th part 3 because in the first scene, we see Jason, he has a sack over his head with just his eye exposed, much like how he looked in part 2, and he of course finds his hockey mask later. So maybe the late title card isn't so pretentious, since what we just saw was more like a recap of events, much like how the earlier films did.
New characters are introduced that all meet the usual criteria of the horror archetypes + Sam from Supernatural. I think his character’s name is Clay, but I’m just going to call him Sam because he behaves the same way as he does on the show. So Sam is looking for his sister, who was among the group of “teens” murdered 6 weeks prior, aka Friday the 13th Part 2 (2009). Everyone eventually ends up at the rich dickhead’s parents' cabin next to Crystal Lake before splitting up to do their own thing: the horniest dumb ones go off to ride a boat, Sam and the dickhead’s girlfriend go for a walk, and everyone else stays at the cabin to drink and smoke weed. Each person is then slowly picked off and eventually the movie goes through various tropes that have all been explored in the previous movies before finally using one last jump scare at the movie’s end.
I have yet to see the Michael Bay-produced remake of Nightmare on Elm Street, but since he produced this trash and is one of the most formulaic men in the film industry, I don’t have hopes for watching that film after seeing this. It came as no surprise either, as there were plenty of low-angle shots throughout the film and I’m willing to bet the loud nature of the score was partially his fault. If you’re going to make a formulaic remake, might as well get the formula master who makes millions with each movie, right?
To close out this review, I'm going to do something a little different from the rest. I'm not going to do Pros and Cons because you can pretty much look at the lists from the previous movies and figure out for yourselves what is good and bad about this movie. Instead, I'm just going to share the random notes I wrote down while I watched Friday the 13th (2009).
Opening scene, Jason’s mom’s head looks like a mannequin head from a cosmetology school.
I wonder if they had a deal with Pabst Blue Ribbon, or any water dispensing companies like Aquafina since the characters took the time to say their names in the opening scenes. It’s too bad there wasn't a weed company he could have called out in the dialogue at some point since it’s such a focus of the characters.
Considering the fact that more than one person dies after finding and partaking in the marijuana bush by the edge of Crystal Lake, I was starting to believe that Jason was interested in punishing stoners more than the lusting sex-craved teens of yesteryear and using weed like the bait in a snare trap. I was sorry to see that my theory wasn't explicitly confirmed.
Does a good job of making me hate everyone in the first 2 minutes.
Sexy bass music is ruined by horribly gross fake boobs.
Shitty-looking ear prop might as well be from the Dollar Store.
Of course, there's a late title card
Cabin area is very reminiscent of Part 3 with the barns and lakeside areas.
Jason runs.
It wouldn't be Michael Bay without confronting some racial stereotypes in a very superficial manner.
Loud Noises!
“Lucky I didn’t press the Start button on the whoopass machine”...
Girl lets in Supernatural Sam knowing it's going to cause drama then immediately leaves with him like she's surprised by the outcome. Fucking trouble-starting, lizard-face drama-addict
Lots of weed references
Arrow through the head made me laugh
Why is this chick still alive? She “looks” like his mom? Really?
Asian guy gets a slow death, too bad, he was the one who tried to make comedy in the movie, but he also failed at it... so good riddance.
Actively irritating movie
Hanging in the barn like in Part 3
Why would anyone take the time to dump his body after he killed everyone you know or just met? Did you do the same for them or are they all still stapled to walls somewhere?
Final Thoughts: Friday the 13th (2009)
This movie sucks on a lot of different levels. It's sad that the only praise I can really give it is making the chronology make a little more sense. It's a movie that tries to hit the formula and appeal to the lowest common denominator, even more so than any other of the films before it. It's not funny when it tries to be and it's not scary when it tries either. Watch this movie on mute and you'll be just as bored, but a little less irritated. Or skip it. You should just do that.
Check-in tomorrow as I wrap up my thoughts on the franchise as a whole and give my list of Worst to Best movies in the series!